Quote of the day: THERAPY

THERAPY

Aside from the relief Freud offered to the afflicted, he can also remind the rest of us that we are all troubled souls in one way or another that the seemingly robust and successful types that we envy may, more than anyone, be assailed by feelings of self-doubt and failure. To allow for natural unhappiness in our lives and not berate ourselves for feeling it is to stand against the tyranny of the positive-thinking ethos that surrounds us daily. The gift of therapy is not just to cure the deranged but to point all of us to where we have lost authorship of our stories, bring those reasons to consciousness and thus show us the gentle path to healing.

–Derren Brown, Happy

freud-quote-strength-1068x561

COVID-19: Let’s talk about sex

Pretty much exactly three months ago, the entire world came to a screeching halt. As the covid-19 pandemic made its way into every corner of the world, we entered a period of lockdown, working from home if you can, learning how to protect yourself if you fall into one of the categories of “essential workers.” Everything has changed — eating, sleeping, communicating with friends. We anxiously scour the news for reliable information on this new frightening unpredictable virus. For many people, mental health is a challenge; for almost everyone, the financial picture is alarming and uncertain. And then after the murder of George Floyd by a Minneapolis police officer, we are witnessing a huge reckoning as Americans realize we can no longer avoid addressing systemic racism, police brutality, white supremacy, and racial inequality.

A subject that doesn’t get talked about as much but I know is on the minds of almost everyone I know: when am I going to have sex again? When our personal safety and public health depends on social distancing, wearing masks, and disinfecting everything in sight, what happens to physical intimacy, touch, and mutual erotic pleasure? Gay men of a certain age remember going through these convulsions decades ago, when HIV swept through our world and forced us to change our sexual behavior in order to survive. There are eerie similarities between the HIV/AIDS epidemic and the covid-19 pandemic, in terms of how it feels to live through these crises and make healthy choices around sexuality; there are also stark differences.

There’s a lot we don’t know, and what we do know is subject to constant revision. But I want to share a few resources that have crossed my path, for those who are trying to puzzle their way through this question of how to manage sex during this pandemic.

On thebody.com, an excellent website for people living with HIV/AIDS, associate editor Matthew Rodriquez published a sensible essay saying in print what many people have been thinking in private: “We Need a Plan for How to Have Casual Sex Again.”

thebody graphic on sex during pandemic

He cites the expertise of Dr. Julia Marcus, assistant professor at Harvard Medical School:

“In the case of staying home to prevent coronavirus transmission, we need to support people in doing that, but we also need to make sure we’re not sacrificing other aspects of people’s health,” [she says]. Of course, Marcus isn’t advocating that we throw away everything we know about social distancing rules and go back to our pre-COVID lives. “We need to support people in having some pleasure in their lives, enough that they can live through this pandemic in a sustainable way.”

The article also cites Mark D. Levine, chair of the New York City Council’s health committee, who called for an end to the “all or nothing” mentality behind the city’s current approach to distancing.

“Let’s give people the tools to understand that the riskiness of social activities lies on a spectrum. We are staring quarantine fatigue in the face. We need new guidance—and policies—to meet this challenge,” he tweeted. “If we don’t give people the information to choose low-risk activities, they will choose high-risk ones—like house parties, large gatherings in front of bars, or swimming at beaches without lifeguards. (All of which is already happening in NYC.)”

You can read the whole article online here.

On Tuesday May 26, Jeff Vilensky — the founder of MMX, a New York-based private membership group promoting the benefits of massage and healthy living — hosted a town hall/Zoom meeting on gay sex and harm reduction during the global pandemic. The guest speaker was Dr Demetre Daskalakis, queer health warrior, wisdom spreader, and deputy commissioner for the NYC Health Dept and Division for Disease Control.  (Dr. Demetre was part of a team that created a remarkably plain-spoken document, “Sex and Coronavirus Disease 2019 (COVID-19),” that attracted titillated attention from the mainstream media for its frank acknowledgement of gloryholes as a creative method of harm reduction.)

MMX has made the video of Dr. Demetre’s talk available publicly via YouTube:

The 16-minute video is worth watching in its entirety, but the gist of it is contained in a simple traffic-light metaphor of green light, yellow light, and red light.

greenlightyellowlightredlight

The Q&A afterwards was not included in the YouTube video, to respect the confidentiality of those who attended the town hall Zoom meeting, but in an email to the MMX membership Vilensky generously summarized the key points of the discussion that followed Dr. Demetre’s talk. With permission, I’m including the entire summary, in the interests of community education.

The Q&A included many different questions.  Some specific and some general.  Answers by the guest speaker followed a few themes along the lines of risk:

“Risk profile” is knowing and accepting that you may be asymptomatic and pass the virus to someone who is more susceptible to it than yourself. Know the science, stay up-to-date on data points, and use those to continuously evolve your choices. The ideal scenario is following current CDC/NYC Health Dept Guidelines (see links in the video). The “Harm Reduction Scenario” is following your best efforts to safeguard yourself and others. Evaluating the risk of all parties in this context, and make informed decisions based on your data, choices, needs, and desires.

“It’s not perfect, but it’s better than nothing.”

Harm reduction is trying to limit your risk and at the same time limiting the risk of others who are potentially at higher probability of infection. We are human and we are gay men who crave physical connection. Think about what works for you now and the level of risk that you are willing to take, if any. Be judicious and understand the risk spectrum/perspective and where you fall on that spectrum.  (The doctor used the example: With regard to jumping off a cliff – Are you completely scared of heights?  Or are you a bungee jumper?  Where are you along that scale?)

BEHAVIOR: BEING OPEN, HONEST, and UPFRONT

Having frank and open conversations with sex partners about the following is extremely important right now:
– Activity and behavior
– Current exposure
– Symptoms
– Past exposure
– Antibody tests
– Level of risk you are willing to accept

Making decisions based on honest communication is extremely important. It shouldn’t be weird or uncomfortable to talk about COVID (just as you would about STIs).  Navigate this world we are in and avoid judgement. Judgement throws the conversation under the rug (shaming, feeling wrong). Everyone needs to feel comfortable enough to participate in open and honest communication.

Sex & Connection:

Prevent as much face-to-face interaction as possible. Stay distanced, or masked, or create a barrier to prevent the travel of respiratory droplets. Eye and face coverings throw the odds in your favor. Continue to use chat and video options. Develop scenes that protect you and your partner. Remember condoms? Incorporate your masks and gear into some fetish play. Be creative. Make it hot.

The virus is primarily transmitted through respiratory droplets. If you keep your distance and use some form of a mask, you are likely at lower risk.

It’s important to have really good hygiene. This means washing before and after any physical contact. You’re going to want to thoroughly clean every part of your body that may have been exposed to droplets.  We are learning more everyday, but we don’t think this is sexually transmitted and if it is, it’s a very inefficient transmission method.

Questions for Yourself:

Where does my desire and right to pleasure live versus what my responsibility is to myself, my family, my close circle, and the general community? If you are going to hook up, what does it mean when you leave any encounter and go to another?  What’s at stake? Who’s at risk?

Not Recommending:

Gatherings of large groups.

Ignoring warnings and guidelines or throwing caution to the wind.

Not a good idea to “kiss grandma” if you are circulating.

Not a good idea to kiss at all outside your trusted partner.

Antibodies:

There were a lot of questions about those with antibodies and what that means in terms of transmission, reinfection, time lapse before having relations, etc.  A very complicated issue.

Having unprotected sex (no masks or social distance) with someone who has the antibodies can give you a higher sense of safety. But there is still not yet enough definitive evidence that people with antibodies are immune from reinfection.

All the health organizations say those who have antibodies for COVID-19 are not necessarily immune. However, the data implies that it seems highly unlikely or rare that a COVID reinfection can occur for most people. We think that COVID-19 infection equals some amount of immunity for some amount of time. However, there is still a lot of uncertainty. There’s no definitive evidence that there is immunity or at least long-term immunity. However, the risk of reinfection for someone who has tested positive is realistically very low and possibly even non-existent.

Many of the antibody tests are not so great. The ones that are FDA-approved and are being done in New York are pretty good but some of them cross-react with other common strains of coronavirus. So a positive antibody test could mean you’ve had another coronavirus, but not COVID-19.

In the case of having sex with your partner: if he’s at least 10 days past his initial signs or symptoms and has not had a fever for 72 hours, the risk of him transmitting the virus to you is very low. This also holds true for the risk of becoming reinfected, which means that it is probably safe for him to have sex again.

Understand all the caveats and uncertainty wrapped around this topic.

HIV Meds:

There is no study that concludes that being on HIV meds confers any specific protection from COVID-19 other than keeping your HIV viral load suppressed.  It does clearly look to lower risk of more severe complications from COVID-19 should you contract the virus.

The Beach:

The virus is unlikely transmitted by surfaces, but washing your hands is important. Saline and heat destroy the virus, so it’s not in salt water or hot sand. But the hot guy sitting in the sand next to you that you decide to make out with is a potential risk!

Traveling with others?  A strategy to consider is to isolate yourself a few days before you enter into a new scenario.

Creating Connections:

There was a discussion about those creating “pods” or groups that have formed or are forming to become your current “household”.  This also can pertain to group shares. The same risks are inherent here given those in your pod will be expanding their contacts and interactions. It goes back to hand hygiene, face coverings, open honest communication, risk assessment, and evolving your own risk profile within the context.

Testing Frequency:

There is some notion to test frequently and we may see this more in the future. Understand the difference between the active “viral” test and the “antibody” test.  There are some occupations that are now being told to test once a week or once every couple of weeks. Right now, if possible, getting tested on a regular basis (every 3-4 weeks) may be a good plan.  Be sure that if you’re feeling symptoms then you go home and stay home until you get your test results.

The viral test is for a current diagnosis of an active infection. There are 3 types of tests for this: swab up your nose, swab in mouth, spit test.

The antibody test is not for diagnosis. It tells you if you have been exposed in the past. Neither test is perfect!

Anal Shedding:

Not as much data on anal shedding as from nasal shedding. For respiratory and nasal, viral traces can sometimes be present up to six weeks after complete resolution of symptoms. Data for anal is unclear. The test looks for the genetic material, but it does not tell you if the virus is alive or not. The CDC did a study where they swabbed people, many days after they developed symptoms, and what they found is not one human swab had the active, live virus after day 9. So it’s possible to extrapolate this for COVID-19 in feces;  that it could be there for a very long time, but it doesn’t mean anything if it’s not living.

Being a Carrier / Asymptomatic:

Most people who have been exposed to COVID develop symptoms within 5 to 7 days (could be up to 14 but rare). Remember, there are people who get exposed who have very mild symptoms or are asymptomatic. Guidance is, if you were to get tested without symptoms, wait for your results or wait 10 days before you go out into the world.  You don’t carry COVID-19 for years or months or weeks.  You get the infection and then it goes away. There does not appear to be a carrier state for COVID-19. If you had the infection, you should be “done” with it if it’s been 10 days since you first had symptoms and if you haven’t had a fever for 72 hours. However, for people with a weakened immune system it could last up to 21 days. Reinfection may happen but it doesn’t seem to be common or frequent.

Stopping PreP:

One way to go about this is PreP on Demand. Take 2 pills from 2 to 24 hours before you have sex. Take 1 pill 24 hours after that, and another pill 24 hours after that.

STI Clinics and Avail of Testing Sites:

There is a grassroots movement to eradicate / dramatically lower STIs while in the midst of this pandemic.  Tomik Dash, an MMX Pro, is one of the founders of sexrev20.org. He asked the doctor when we might see the city’s sexual health workers re-allocated back to their original posts (presumably, testing and treatment in NYC is hard to get at this time).  They are looking earnestly at this, as more and more health centers and sexual health clinics are becoming fully operational again. There is currently tele-medicine for sexual health, and the Chelsea and Fort Greene clinics are open for on the phone consultations.

Speaking for myself, I appreciate the good work of these health professionals in communicating this information to the public as clearly as possible. If you have further questions, concerns, or resources to share, please don’t hesitate to contact me.

SEEING WHITE: resources for Justice in June

The murder of George Floyd by a Minneapolis police officer is just one (and not even the most recent) incident in a long shameful history of black Americans being treated as if their lives have no value. The video footage of Derek Chauvin kneeling on Floyd’s neck for 8 minutes and 43 seconds has galvanized a worldwide response demanding action, education, and change. There’s lots to do and many choices to make. One place to start is this curriculum called “Justice in June.” This resource was compiled by Autumn Gupta with Bryanna Wallace’s oversight for the purpose of providing a starting place for individuals trying to become better allies.

For white people engaged in anti-racist work, our most important task is to examine our own experiences as white people — how we have been educated, steeped in, benefit from and yet are trained not to notice white supremacy and racial inequality all around us. White people need to talk to white people about this. I’m in this conversation and welcome anyone who wants to join me.

This image was created by Safehouse Progressive Alliance for Nonviolence (2005) and adapted by Ellen Tuzzolo (2016), Mary Julia Cooksey Cordero (2019), and the Conscious Kid (@theconsciouskid on Instagram, 2020).

white supremacy iceberg

COVID-19: best practices if you have symptoms

We’ve all heard plenty of sound advice from medical professionals about what to do to avoid exposure to covid-19 in hopes of not getting sick. What happens if you do get sick? I feel like I’ve read a lot of fairly general instructions, but nothing as specific and clear as this information shared on Twitter by a nurse. I can imagine that many people who have symptoms (or think they might have symptoms, which probably most of us do from time to time) panic a little and everything you’ve heard about what to do next flies out of your head. If that were me, I would be following these guidelines to the letter:

“What I have seen a lot of are recommendations for how to try to avoid getting COVID in the first place — but what I have NOT seen a lot of is advice for what happens if you get it.
You basically want to prepare as though you know you’re going to get a nasty respiratory bug, like bronchitis or pneumonia. Just have the foresight to know it ‘might’ come your way!

1. Things you should actually buy ahead of time:
– kleenex
– acetaminophen (Tylenol)
– whatever your generic, mucus thinning cough medicine of choice (check the label and make sure you’re not doubling up on acetaminophen)
– honey and lemon can work just as well
– vicks vaporub for your chest is also a great suggestion

2. if you don’t have a humidifier, that would be a good thing to buy and use in your room when you go to bed overnight. (you can also just turn the shower on hot and sit in the bathroom breathing in the steam)

3. If you have a history of asthma and you have a prescription inhaler, make sure the one you have isn’t expired and refill it / get a new one if necessary

4. have your favorite soup on hand

5. stock up on whatever your favorite clear fluids are to drink – though plain water is fine; you may appreciate some variety

SYMPTOM MANAGEMENT
a. if you have a fever over 38C / 100.4F, take Acetaminophen rather than ibuprofen
b. hydrate (drink!), hydrate, hydrate
c. rest lots. even if you are feeling better, you may still be infectious for 14 days and older people and those with preexisting conditions should be avoided
d. ask friends and family to leave supplies outside to avoid contact.
You may not NEED TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL unless you are having trouble breathing or your fever is very high (over 39C / 102F) and unmanaged with meds. 90% of healthy adult cases thus far have been managed at home.

bedtime

THE PARADOX OF PORN: Alphatribe interview

My book The Paradox of Porn: Notes on Gay Male Sexual Culture continues to attract favorable media coverage over time and across the globe. The April-May-June issue of Alphatribe, the slick magazine published in Belgium for the international gay-male kink/leather/fetish community, features an interview with me conducted by Mark Boyd, who writes:

“The Paradox of Porn is a unique book, an essential reflection on porn and gay male sexuality that any kinkster or fetishist will gain from. While writers like Jack Rinella and John Preston have given the scene how-to guides on being an effective master or a willing sub, Shewey’s work evokes the writings of philosophers like Susan Sontag and Roland Barthes who use a style of thinking out loud in fragments in order to get to the heart of the matter. And there is a definite need for this in understanding gay porn.”

You can read the whole article online here, bearing in mind that the magazine’s website is distinctly NSFW.

alphatribe interview 1

 

 

COVID-19: musical interlude

I’m assuming you’re equipping yourself with lots of useful information about riding out the covid-19 pandemic in healthy ways. I will post things from time to time that I find especially valuable, in case they haven’t cross your path. Someone shared this video with me that I now play at least once a day, as a way of remembering that however far apart we have to be right now, we can choose to be “for each other.”

COVID-19: practical info on testing/treatment

In this new world we find ourselves living in, we’re learning ways to keep ourselves safe and healthy while the covid-19 pandemic sweeps the world. Stay home as much as possible. In public keep six feet apart from others. Wash your hands frequently. I would also add: be careful about your media consumption. Obsessively watching TV news reports or endlessly clicking around online will ramp up your anxiety in short order. I recommend that you limit yourself to 15 minutes at a time, maybe twice a day, and then find other ways to occupy yourself.

There’s a lot of information and misinformation flying around. As the pandemic spreads, the scene on the ground can look very different depending on which part of the world or which part of the country you’re at. I do want to share this lengthy set of guidelines that directly addresses issues of testing and treatment.

Howard Grossman is one of the longtime medical heroes of NYC’s gay community, having served people living with HIV/AIDS for many decades. Here are his common-sense recommendations for this time, with an addition I haven’t seen elsewhere: No Hooking Up. Doctor’s orders. (It takes a gay doc to have the balls to say that directly. He knows to whom he’s speaking.)

“Guidance we put out for our patients today: Many people are inquiring about Covid-19 testing and here is some guidance:

1) Current testing for Covid-19 is taking up to 7-9 days to come back from Quest. So testing will give us no immediate information and make no difference to recommendations for therapy

2) If you have symptoms of fever, chills and severe fatigue a test will not change your therapy

3) If you have those symptoms stay at home and isolate. Do not go to work, do not come to the doctor’s office and do not go to urgent care. If you have the virus you will only spread it around.

4) Whether it is Covid-19, the flu or a cold you will treat it exactly the same. Over-the-counter cold and cough medicines, Tylenol (acetaminophen) every 4 hours for fever (maximum dose 4000 mg/day and include any that is in the cold medicine), fluids (including Pedialyte to maintain electrolytes) and bedrest

5) If you have high fevers (over 104 degrees) that don’t resolve, shortness of breath or chest pain with difficulty breathing go directly to the Emergency Room at your nearest hospital. They are set up to rapidly isolate patients and treat with oxygen as needed and do the appropriate radiological procedures such as X rays. Do not go to a doctor’s office or urgent care.

6) If the newly described 45 min point-of-care test becomes available then widespread testing to know the epidemiological spread of the virus will make more sense but right now the current test will make no difference for you.

7) One reminder for many of our patients—social distancing from others can be stressful and difficult but it will make a huge difference in the course of the epidemic. None of us has natural immunity to this virus so a majority of us will probably get it. The question is when and whether the health care system will be able to handle it. If everyone gets sick at once it will overwhelm the system as is happening in Italy and potentially millions will die in the US. If we flatten the curve and spread the infection rate out over time, then the health care system will be able to focus on the sickest patients, have the equipment and supplies to do it, and not have to ration care. We may also delay things until there is a treatment or a vaccine. You can make a difference, each and every one.

8) To that end, please refrain from “hooking up.” Chatting on social media dating and hookup sites won’t endanger anyone. Continuing to meet up for sex will only put everyone at risk. PrEP won’t protect you from Covid-19. Please consider that.

Please share these facts with your neighbors and family. Remember, every time someone goes for testing who does not need it medical personnel will be using up personal protective gear that is in short supply.

Testing needs to be reserved for those already sick where it could change their therapy depending on what is found.”

RESOURCES: Psychedelic integration

Psychedelic integration is the process by which experiences with sacred medicine can be incorporated over time into one’s life in a way that benefits the individual and the community. Integration is one of the key concepts that animates the current reawakening of interest in the use of psychedelics for healing and personal transformation.

Just as proper preparation – attention to the set and setting — can determine how a person navigates the powerful and sometimes challenging experience of teacher plants and master molecules, skillful integration can help turn a jumble of images, sensations, disorienting and sometimes emotionally difficult moments into a coherent and meaningful exploration. It is the process through which the work is sealed, a sacred pause to ground the insight that’s gained, a way to capture the essence of the session before adding another big experience.

In December 2018 I completed a year-long training in psychedelics-assisted psychotherapy at California Institute for Integral Studies. After being suspended for three decades, renewed clinical research has shown that psychedelics can have a profound impact in treating a variety of mental, physical, and spiritual ailments. Based on the research that has already been done, it looks likely that these treatments will be approved for general usage in the near future, and at that time I will be available to work with patients who can benefit from these treatments. Meanwhile, I have training and experience in psychedelic integration therapy, helping individuals who use psychedelics for their own personal/spiritual growth to process their experiences in a safe environment.

Besides the treatment of concrete mental and physical ailments such as trauma, anxiety, and substance dependency, it seems clear that psychedelics also have potential for addressing the core spiritual and existential challenges of cultivating freedom, compassion, self-acceptance, and facing death without fear, which are values near and dear to my heart.

psychedelic illo by Adam Psybe
illustration by Adam Psybe

Sacred medicine ceremonies can release a backlog of emotions, and once the dam bursts, the emotions continue to surface after the ceremony when everyone’s gone home. For people with histories of trauma, the symptoms can get a lot worse when they start coming up. In that vulnerable state, it can be valuable to have someone in your life with whom you feel free and safe to talk through your experience, if not a close friend then a therapist.

After a ceremony, it’s important to rest, hydrate, nourish your body, and spend time in low-stimulation environments, especially in nature. Meditation is a useful tool for being still and paying attention to the emotions and sensations that emerge in the wake of a psychedelic journey. I’m available to help you cultivate practices for self-care and grounding, such as yoga, aquatherapy (warm baths, cold showers, swimming, surfing), acupuncture, physical touch (massage or simple holding/cuddling), and emotional awareness. It’s a good idea to pay attention to diet, gravitating toward comfort foods (warm soups and stews, root vegetables, beets, burdock root, dandelion root tea) and steering clear of those stimulants and psychoactive substances (alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, amphetamines) that counteract the process of slowing down, grounding, and listening to the natural rhythms of your body.

The job of integration is to be present and to hold onto the perspective that an inner healing intelligence is at work while the process of healing unfolds.

Please note: Psychedelics are currently illegal outside of FDA-approved research settings. I do not recommend clients ever self-administer medicines of unknown quality as they can have serious psychiatric and medical ramifications. However, I do recognize the need for clients to process mystical experiences with a knowledgeable therapist. I also work with clients returning from indigenous contexts outside the US who have participated in sacred plant ceremonies. And I support the movement for cognitive liberty and those endeavoring to change the laws to make these medicines safely and affordably available to those who can benefit from them.

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX: Performance anxiety

It’s a big day in a man’s erotic life the first time he loses his erection in the midst of a sexual encounter. It can feel like a tragic self-betrayal, a terrible humiliation, proof that he’s broken and can never have sex again. The good news is that if he’s lucky and he hangs in there, he gets to the red-letter day when he discovers that he can lose his erection AND stay connected to his partner. In fact, that’s where the good stuff begins.

It takes some maturity, some practice, some support, and a little bit of a leap of faith to view erectile dysfunction simply as a mechanical failure, not a comment on your masculinity or a referendum on your worth as a human being. It’s a life-changing experience to realize that being a wonderful lover isn’t just about what you do with your penis but what you do with your hands, your mouth, your voice, your sense of humor, your energy, and your heart.

Erections are great and fun and super-pleasurable. But it’s exhausting and challenging to operate under pressure to Perform Like a Porn Star, constantly worrying – to put it bluntly – about your dick: is it big enough, is it hard enough, am I doing it right, am I going to come too fast, am I taking too long? Performance anxiety is the enemy of erotic intelligence, at least the way I understand it, which is the ability to be present for pleasure, to tune into your partner and what’s going on right here right now, without getting wrapped in trying to make something specific happen.

It’s not just men who struggle with performance anxiety. Social media has ramped up perfectionism for all of us. We spend a lot of time fixated on Getting It Right. We’re constantly tailoring our appearance and our behavior for each other’s approval. It’s an existential challenge to let all that go and leave reserve performance anxiety for people who are onstage performing.

In my work and in my life, I’m all about healing through pleasure, learning for myself and teaching other people how to turn down the volume on Pressure to Perform and be present for pleasure.

In workshops or in sessions when we’re focusing on intimacy, sometimes I will have partners spend time gazing into each other’s eyes, exploring the notion of the eyes as gateway to the soul, “into-me-you-see.” This can be beautiful, and it can also feel really vulnerable. We take in A LOT of information visually, and we live in a culture that has become hyper-focused on evaluation, stirring up equal amounts of judgment and fear of being judged.

So if we’re working on cultivating the capacity to be present for pleasure, sometimes it makes sense to close the eyes, to turn down the volume on incoming visual stimulus.

If you want to practice being present for pleasure right now, one way to do that is to let your eyes gently close and go inside. With your eyes gently closed, the idea is to take a moment to breathe, go inside, and take a break from processing visual information, judging and being judged.

As you let yourself breathe, bring your awareness to the way gravity works on your body. Let your face muscles rest, let your jaw soften, let your shoulders rest. Feel your buttocks on the seat of your chair, your feet on the floor. You don’t have to change anything or do anything special. Just take a moment to breathe and make space for what happens when you withdraw the sense of sight. Do things quiet down inside, do they rev up, do they stay the same? Try it now and just let yourself notice what happens.

Part of erotic intelligence is expanding your awareness of your own body. Notice the temperature of the air in the room against your skin. Notice the places where your clothing touches your skin, whether it feels soft, constricting, comforting, annoying. Notice what sounds you’re aware of in the room right now. Notice which sensations are pleasurable, what you’d like more of, what you’d like less of.

With a trusted sensual partner, closing your eyes or using a blindfold can be a simple tool for cultivating erotic intelligence. Removing one sense can heighten others. Light touch and pleasant sounds can be amplified, as can tastes and fragrances. The uncertainty of what happens next can create a luscious experience of anticipation and seductiveness. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, but be right here right now, taking in whatever sensory information is available.

Screen Shot 2020-01-24 at 2.26.38 PM

Note: this was part of a talk I gave November 9, 2019, as part of “Sessions Live,” Esther Perel’s online salon for sex therapists and coaches.

Media: BOYS AND SEX on Fresh Air

Journalist and author Peggy Orenstein has spent many years writing about the inner lives of girls in a series of best-selling books. In recent years, she turned her attention to young men and interviewed teenagers and college students for her new book Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity. NPR’s Terry Gross interviewed her recently for the radio show/podcast “Fresh Air,” and it’s worth checking out. What she says about how boys are socialized not to talk about their feelings and the distorted ideas about sex they get from watching porn apply equally to men of all ages. I’m looking forward to reading the book (which just the New York Times’ best-seller list), but this interview is a tantalizing preview.

boys-and-sex