I’m assuming you’re equipping yourself with lots of useful information about riding out the covid-19 pandemic in healthy ways. I will post things from time to time that I find especially valuable, in case they haven’t cross your path. Someone shared this video with me that I now play at least once a day, as a way of remembering that however far apart we have to be right now, we can choose to be “for each other.”
In this new world we find ourselves living in, we’re learning ways to keep ourselves safe and healthy while the covid-19 pandemic sweeps the world. Stay home as much as possible. In public keep six feet apart from others. Wash your hands frequently. I would also add: be careful about your media consumption. Obsessively watching TV news reports or endlessly clicking around online will ramp up your anxiety in short order. I recommend that you limit yourself to 15 minutes at a time, maybe twice a day, and then find other ways to occupy yourself.
There’s a lot of information and misinformation flying around. As the pandemic spreads, the scene on the ground can look very different depending on which part of the world or which part of the country you’re at. I do want to share this lengthy set of guidelines that directly addresses issues of testing and treatment.
Howard Grossman is one of the longtime medical heroes of NYC’s gay community, having served people living with HIV/AIDS for many decades. Here are his common-sense recommendations for this time, with an addition I haven’t seen elsewhere: No Hooking Up. Doctor’s orders. (It takes a gay doc to have the balls to say that directly. He knows to whom he’s speaking.)
“Guidance we put out for our patients today: Many people are inquiring about Covid-19 testing and here is some guidance:
1) Current testing for Covid-19 is taking up to 7-9 days to come back from Quest. So testing will give us no immediate information and make no difference to recommendations for therapy
2) If you have symptoms of fever, chills and severe fatigue a test will not change your therapy
3) If you have those symptoms stay at home and isolate. Do not go to work, do not come to the doctor’s office and do not go to urgent care. If you have the virus you will only spread it around.
4) Whether it is Covid-19, the flu or a cold you will treat it exactly the same. Over-the-counter cold and cough medicines, Tylenol (acetaminophen) every 4 hours for fever (maximum dose 4000 mg/day and include any that is in the cold medicine), fluids (including Pedialyte to maintain electrolytes) and bedrest
5) If you have high fevers (over 104 degrees) that don’t resolve, shortness of breath or chest pain with difficulty breathing go directly to the Emergency Room at your nearest hospital. They are set up to rapidly isolate patients and treat with oxygen as needed and do the appropriate radiological procedures such as X rays. Do not go to a doctor’s office or urgent care.
6) If the newly described 45 min point-of-care test becomes available then widespread testing to know the epidemiological spread of the virus will make more sense but right now the current test will make no difference for you.
7) One reminder for many of our patients—social distancing from others can be stressful and difficult but it will make a huge difference in the course of the epidemic. None of us has natural immunity to this virus so a majority of us will probably get it. The question is when and whether the health care system will be able to handle it. If everyone gets sick at once it will overwhelm the system as is happening in Italy and potentially millions will die in the US. If we flatten the curve and spread the infection rate out over time, then the health care system will be able to focus on the sickest patients, have the equipment and supplies to do it, and not have to ration care. We may also delay things until there is a treatment or a vaccine. You can make a difference, each and every one.
8) To that end, please refrain from “hooking up.” Chatting on social media dating and hookup sites won’t endanger anyone. Continuing to meet up for sex will only put everyone at risk. PrEP won’t protect you from Covid-19. Please consider that.
Please share these facts with your neighbors and family. Remember, every time someone goes for testing who does not need it medical personnel will be using up personal protective gear that is in short supply.
Testing needs to be reserved for those already sick where it could change their therapy depending on what is found.”
Psychedelic integration is the process by which experiences with sacred medicine can be incorporated over time into one’s life in a way that benefits the individual and the community. Integration is one of the key concepts that animates the current reawakening of interest in the use of psychedelics for healing and personal transformation.
Just as proper preparation – attention to the set and setting — can determine how a person navigates the powerful and sometimes challenging experience of teacher plants and master molecules, skillful integration can help turn a jumble of images, sensations, disorienting and sometimes emotionally difficult moments into a coherent and meaningful exploration. It is the process through which the work is sealed, a sacred pause to ground the insight that’s gained, a way to capture the essence of the session before adding another big experience.
In December 2018 I completed a year-long training in psychedelics-assisted psychotherapy at California Institute for Integral Studies. After being suspended for three decades, renewed clinical research has shown that psychedelics can have a profound impact in treating a variety of mental, physical, and spiritual ailments. Based on the research that has already been done, it looks likely that these treatments will be approved for general usage in the near future, and at that time I will be available to work with patients who can benefit from these treatments. Meanwhile, I have training and experience in psychedelic integration therapy, helping individuals who use psychedelics for their own personal/spiritual growth to process their experiences in a safe environment.
Besides the treatment of concrete mental and physical ailments such as trauma, anxiety, and substance dependency, it seems clear that psychedelics also have potential for addressing the core spiritual and existential challenges of cultivating freedom, compassion, self-acceptance, and facing death without fear, which are values near and dear to my heart.
illustration by Adam Psybe
Sacred medicine ceremonies can release a backlog of emotions, and once the dam bursts, the emotions continue to surface after the ceremony when everyone’s gone home. For people with histories of trauma, the symptoms can get a lot worse when they start coming up. In that vulnerable state, it can be valuable to have someone in your life with whom you feel free and safe to talk through your experience, if not a close friend then a therapist.
After a ceremony, it’s important to rest, hydrate, nourish your body, and spend time in low-stimulation environments, especially in nature. Meditation is a useful tool for being still and paying attention to the emotions and sensations that emerge in the wake of a psychedelic journey. I’m available to help you cultivate practices for self-care and grounding, such as yoga, aquatherapy (warm baths, cold showers, swimming, surfing), acupuncture, physical touch (massage or simple holding/cuddling), and emotional awareness. It’s a good idea to pay attention to diet, gravitating toward comfort foods (warm soups and stews, root vegetables, beets, burdock root, dandelion root tea) and steering clear of those stimulants and psychoactive substances (alcohol, caffeine, nicotine, amphetamines) that counteract the process of slowing down, grounding, and listening to the natural rhythms of your body.
The job of integration is to be present and to hold onto the perspective that an inner healing intelligence is at work while the process of healing unfolds.
Please note: Psychedelics are currently illegal outside of FDA-approved research settings. I do not recommend clients ever self-administer medicines of unknown quality as they can have serious psychiatric and medical ramifications. However, I do recognize the need for clients to process mystical experiences with a knowledgeable therapist. I also work with clients returning from indigenous contexts outside the US who have participated in sacred plant ceremonies. And I support the movement for cognitive liberty and those endeavoring to change the laws to make these medicines safely and affordably available to those who can benefit from them.
It’s a big day in a man’s erotic life the first time he loses his erection in the midst of a sexual encounter. It can feel like a tragic self-betrayal, a terrible humiliation, proof that he’s broken and can never have sex again. The good news is that if he’s lucky and he hangs in there, he gets to the red-letter day when he discovers that he can lose his erection AND stay connected to his partner. In fact, that’s where the good stuff begins.
It takes some maturity, some practice, some support, and a little bit of a leap of faith to view erectile dysfunction simply as a mechanical failure, not a comment on your masculinity or a referendum on your worth as a human being. It’s a life-changing experience to realize that being a wonderful lover isn’t just about what you do with your penis but what you do with your hands, your mouth, your voice, your sense of humor, your energy, and your heart.
Erections are great and fun and super-pleasurable. But it’s exhausting and challenging to operate under pressure to Perform Like a Porn Star, constantly worrying – to put it bluntly – about your dick: is it big enough, is it hard enough, am I doing it right, am I going to come too fast, am I taking too long? Performance anxiety is the enemy of erotic intelligence, at least the way I understand it, which is the ability to be present for pleasure, to tune into your partner and what’s going on right here right now, without getting wrapped in trying to make something specific happen.
It’s not just men who struggle with performance anxiety. Social media has ramped up perfectionism for all of us. We spend a lot of time fixated on Getting It Right. We’re constantly tailoring our appearance and our behavior for each other’s approval. It’s an existential challenge to let all that go and leave reserve performance anxiety for people who are onstage performing.
In my work and in my life, I’m all about healing through pleasure, learning for myself and teaching other people how to turn down the volume on Pressure to Perform and be present for pleasure.
In workshops or in sessions when we’re focusing on intimacy, sometimes I will have partners spend time gazing into each other’s eyes, exploring the notion of the eyes as gateway to the soul, “into-me-you-see.” This can be beautiful, and it can also feel really vulnerable. We take in A LOT of information visually, and we live in a culture that has become hyper-focused on evaluation, stirring up equal amounts of judgment and fear of being judged.
So if we’re working on cultivating the capacity to be present for pleasure, sometimes it makes sense to close the eyes, to turn down the volume on incoming visual stimulus.
If you want to practice being present for pleasure right now, one way to do that is to let your eyes gently close and go inside. With your eyes gently closed, the idea is to take a moment to breathe, go inside, and take a break from processing visual information, judging and being judged.
As you let yourself breathe, bring your awareness to the way gravity works on your body. Let your face muscles rest, let your jaw soften, let your shoulders rest. Feel your buttocks on the seat of your chair, your feet on the floor. You don’t have to change anything or do anything special. Just take a moment to breathe and make space for what happens when you withdraw the sense of sight. Do things quiet down inside, do they rev up, do they stay the same? Try it now and just let yourself notice what happens.
Part of erotic intelligence is expanding your awareness of your own body. Notice the temperature of the air in the room against your skin. Notice the places where your clothing touches your skin, whether it feels soft, constricting, comforting, annoying. Notice what sounds you’re aware of in the room right now. Notice which sensations are pleasurable, what you’d like more of, what you’d like less of.
With a trusted sensual partner, closing your eyes or using a blindfold can be a simple tool for cultivating erotic intelligence. Removing one sense can heighten others. Light touch and pleasant sounds can be amplified, as can tastes and fragrances. The uncertainty of what happens next can create a luscious experience of anticipation and seductiveness. Nothing to do, nowhere to go, but be right here right now, taking in whatever sensory information is available.
Note: this was part of a talk I gave November 9, 2019, as part of “Sessions Live,” Esther Perel’s online salon for sex therapists and coaches.
Journalist and author Peggy Orenstein has spent many years writing about the inner lives of girls in a series of best-selling books. In recent years, she turned her attention to young men and interviewed teenagers and college students for her new book Boys & Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity. NPR’s Terry Gross interviewed her recently for the radio show/podcast “Fresh Air,” and it’s worth checking out. What she says about how boys are socialized not to talk about their feelings and the distorted ideas about sex they get from watching porn apply equally to men of all ages. I’m looking forward to reading the book (which just the New York Times’ best-seller list), but this interview is a tantalizing preview.
The esteemed poet, therapist, and community treasure Franklin Abbott interviewed me about The Paradox of Porn for the latest issue of RFD, the radical faerie quarterly journal.
There are many advantages to getting older, and one of them is the simple joy of growing up emotionally and outgrowing needs from childhood that no longer pertain. One of those is the constant need for approval, to be perfect, and the fear of rejection. When you are a child, you are dependent on others for crucial needs. It is a matter of survival. And it is understandable for a child to fear rejection or abandonment by his mother, lest he not survive.
As an adult, those needs are no longer essential for survival. Fear of rejection is a holdover from childhood. Perhaps something happened once, and we made it a rule. Then rule-making became a habit. If you know that fear of rejection is a major factor that holds you back from connecting with others, congratulations. That self-knowledge provides a golden opportunity. It is an invitation to spend the next year of your life making it a priority to get bigger than your fear of rejection.
One bold method is to make it a project to collect rejections. Go out asking for things and try to get ten nos. Make it a triumph to hear no. I promise you, you will survive and be stronger. Yes and no are matters of preference to a mature adult. They are a referendum on your worth as a human being.
But the task that is at the heart of Authentic Eros — real intimacy, true connection — is to show up with all your desires activated, for the sheer pleasure and joy and wisdom of honoring your desire body. It will bring your vitality to the forefront.
A lot of times we hang back socially, romantically, physically, thinking: If I just sit here and do everything right and perfect, somebody will notice me and love me and give me what I want. That is the child mentality, the good child, the best little boy, the seeker for validation. There’s a fear that if I display my desires and they go unfulfilled, then I look like a fool, or I feel like a fool, and I will crumple up and die.
What if that’s not so? What if your desires are indeed a show of vitality? More is possible if you show up ready to go, your desires radiating from your being like a peacock’s feathers. Then you give others a point of contract or several points of contact. Then you’re ready to share, to live.
Those desires don’t have to be the deepest or most intimate to be desires. They just need to be active, actionable. As the famous Mary Oliver poem says: You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees/for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting./You only have to let the soft animal of your body/love what it loves.
To be an active receiver is to let the world know in no uncertain terms what pleasure or pleasures you are available to receive. Try it on. Let yourself be a love-dog. Dogs will let you know without words, without a doubt, when they want to be fed, walked, petted, left alone.
I had the pleasure last weekend of participating in “Sessions Live 2019: In Search of Eros,” an all-day gathering convened and hosted by Esther Perel, who’s probably the most famous sex-and-relationship therapist in the world right now. Her books (Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs) and her TED talks (on desire and infidelity) have acquired a passionate following worldwide, as evidenced by the sold-out crowd of 400 who showed for the live event November 9 in midtown Manhattan (many of whom flew in from other countries) and the 1200 people viewing at home via Livestream.
A New York resident born in Belgium and educated in Israel, Esther brings a distinctly European flavor to her work, so what might have been a typical therapy conference with parade of academic talking heads became something else – a lively salon with a dynamic array of speakers presenting in a variety of formats with a very engaged audience, fueled by delicious food.
The morning began with an on-your-feet warm-up conducted by Esther along with 5 Rhythms teacher Amber Ryan, psychoanalyst Aviva Gitlin, and therapist-performer-ritualist Paul Browde. Esther gave an opening talk called “Finding the Erotic Self: A Journey for Practitioners,” which included dialogue with Alexandra Solomon. Before lunch, Holly Richmond talked about her work helping trauma survivors recover their sexuality, and I spoke about my own concentration on healing through pleasure.
After lunch Sara Nasserzadeh led the participants through a modified Sexual Attitudes Reassessment. Then there were presentations about erotic obstacles by Ian Kerner (author of She Comes First), psychologist Guy Winch, and the two young co-founders of the St. Louis-based educational company Afrosexology, Dalychia Saah and Rafaella Fiallo. The last hour brought a free-flow of questions and commentary from audience members both in the room and watching via Livestream.
Women dominate the field of therapy and social work, and certainly Esther’s audience was 75-80% women (as became clear at the reception she hosted the night before — above), which is why she asked me to address the issues that men bring to a sex therapist. I talked about the dance between performance anxiety and being present for pleasure, the lessons I learned about erotic energy from Joseph Kramer and the Body Electric School, the paradox of pornography as liberator and oppressor, and my own formula for satisfying sexual encounters (PCM: your own Pleasure, Connection with your partner, and the Mechanics of what goes up and down, in and out).
For the rest of the day, I spent every break being pulled aside by people saying, “Do you have a minute? I have a question about…” I heard very touching stories from men who hailed from Iceland, Poland, and China, and female therapists who work with very specific populations (Catholic priests, homeless mentally ill, Jersey guys).
I walked away from the event feeling nourished by the high level of powerful questions that the day generated: What’s the difference between sex and eroticism? If I’m struggling to figure out what I want, what happens if I ask myself “What am I missing?” Which of the senses (sight, sound, touch, taste, smell) is most erotic to me? Which ones do I need to ramp up in my life? How do we teach vulnerability to young men who have no experience of that? How do we deal with different stages of erotic life?
On Saturday, November 9, I’ll be speaking at Sessions Live 2019, an annual clinical event hosted by Esther Perel. I invite you to join me and this year’s esteemed guests for an invigorating day of learning online.
Sessions Live is a one-day event dedicated to providing an opportunity for professionals in the field of mental health to come together to learn and challenge each other around a relevant topic in the field of modern relationships.
This year, Esther invites us to explore the topic of Eros, also known as eroticism. We’ll look at eroticism as a quality of aliveness, vibrancy and vitality that is critical to both life and the clinical relationship. It goes far beyond a repertoire of sexual techniques. It’s a sense of creativity, agency and pleasure that we often aim for in our clients but neglect within ourselves.
Together, we’ll answer the questions:
- ● What does erotic intelligence mean to us as therapists, coaches, and relationship professionals?
- ● How do we help our clients cultivate a feeling of vitality?
- ● How do we sustain energy and aliveness in our work and in our own lives?
- ● What does recovery from trauma look like when it includes re-engaging with pleasure and vibrancy?
- ● And much more.
Your livestream ticket includes:
- ● Online access to the live full-day training on November 9th
- ● All archived recordings to view on demand after the event – the content is yours to watch when and where you please
- ● CE credits available for an additional cost
Purchase your Livestream ticket today and use code bodyandsoul for a special discount.
Join us online for a day of learning that will help you expand your definition of eroticism and increase your confidence in helping your clients tackle issues of love’s challenges and love’s celebrations.
illustration by Natalia Ramos (IG @natalia_ramas)
photo by Kathryn Wirsing
Adam Nicholson is an energy worker and spiritual seeker who hosts a podcast called The Sacred Erotic Podcast. I recently had the pleasure of being interviewed by him about my book The Paradox of Porn. The interview is in two parts, and you can find it online by clicking here. Check it out and let me know what you think.