LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX: Coping with fear of rejection

There are many advantages to getting older, and one of them is the simple joy of growing up emotionally and outgrowing needs from childhood that no longer pertain. One of those is the constant need for approval, to be perfect, and the fear of rejection. When you are a child, you are dependent on others for crucial needs. It is a matter of survival. And it is understandable for a child to fear rejection or abandonment by his mother, lest he not survive.

As an adult, those needs are no longer essential for survival. Fear of rejection is a holdover from childhood. Perhaps something happened once, and we made it a rule. Then rule-making became a habit. If you know that fear of rejection is a major factor that holds you back from connecting with others, congratulations. That self-knowledge provides a golden opportunity. It is an invitation to spend the next year of your life making it a priority to get bigger than your fear of rejection.

One bold method is to make it a project to collect rejections. Go out asking for things and try to get ten nos. Make it a triumph to hear no. I promise you, you will survive and be stronger. Yes and no are matters of preference to a mature adult. They are a referendum on your worth as a human being.

yes_no_by_thisisgalaxy-e1384436623838

But the task that is at the heart of Authentic Eros — real intimacy, true connection — is to show up with all your desires activated, for the sheer pleasure and joy and wisdom of honoring your desire body. It will bring your vitality to the forefront.

A lot of times we hang back socially, romantically, physically, thinking: If I just sit here and do everything right and perfect, somebody will notice me and love me and give me what I want. That is the child mentality, the good child, the best little boy, the seeker for validation. There’s a fear that if I display my desires and they go unfulfilled, then I look like a fool, or I feel like a fool, and I will crumple up and die.

What if that’s not so? What if your desires are indeed a show of vitality? More is possible if you show up ready to go, your desires radiating from your being like a peacock’s feathers. Then you give others a point of contract or several points of contact. Then you’re ready to share, to live.

Those desires don’t have to be the deepest or most intimate to be desires. They just need to be active, actionable. As the famous Mary Oliver poem says: You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees/for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting./You only have to let the soft animal of your body/love what it loves.

To be an active receiver is to let the world know in no uncertain terms what pleasure or pleasures you are available to receive. Try it on. Let yourself be a love-dog. Dogs will let you know without words, without a doubt, when they want to be fed, walked, petted, left alone.

 

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