ASK DON: Dealing with the no-load blues

Q: I’m going crazy having lost my prostate 10 yrs ago at 53. I’m so frustrated I’m about to give up. Who would date a man who is just now coming out and that cannot cum?

dry ejaculation

A: If you think that no one will date a man who can’t produce ejaculate, I can assure you that you are wrong. You would be surprised to know how many men are in similar situations and still dating and functioning sexually.

YES, there are guys who are incorrigible cum-hounds. They’re not gonna be the guys for you. YES, there are guys who put a huge amount of pressure on themselves and their partners to perform like porn stars — get hard on demand, fuck on demand, get fucked on demand, squirt on demand. They’re not gonna be the guys for you. YES, there are women eager to be impregnated…but I suspect you’re not interested in that market.

Those populations are a fraction of the world of gay men looking for dates, partners, hook-ups, fuck buddies, husbands, etc. There are plenty of other guys who might well be interested in you. There are plenty of guys who are so accustomed to jerking themselves off  that they can’t cum in someone else’s presence, and they harbor varying degrees of self-consciousness about it and might well be relieved to find someone they don’t have to hide that from. There are guys who’ve had either prostate cancer or some pre-cancerous condition and had TURPs, and they don’t produce ejaculate anymore. There are guys who are squeamish about cum and would just as soon not see it anyway. There are guys who can’t stand the taste of cum and scrupulously avoid it. There are plenty of guys who aren’t into anal sex but are totally into oral sex. There are plenty of guys who are just into sex, who are just into intimacy, who are into the actual person they’re with rather than some Fantasy Guy with XYZ characteristics. There are plenty of guys who’ve been through Body Electric, who are interested in building erotic energy without the goal of ejaculating, who are on the path of tantra. Surely, you’ve met some of these guys somewhere along the line….? I can assure you they’re out there. Are you open to meeting them?

Let’s face it, we all have imperfections. In my experience, if you’re OK with your body, other people will be OK with it. And if they’re not, fuck ’em (or rather don’t fuck ’em) and move on —  their loss.

For guys who have radical prostatectomies, there’s definitely a sense of loss, and it’s very important to process that loss with some form of mourning. If you’re able to do that yourself, or with a friend or loved one, great. Sometimes that’s what a group or a short stint of therapy is good for. From your cry of frustration, it occurs to me to wonder if you’ve worked through your own anger/grief/fear about your illness, treatment, removal of your prostate, and all that went with that. Maybe you would benefit from getting some support to work through that stuff. I’d be happy to do some counselling/coaching with you on this issue via Skype, or I could recommend someone in your area for you to consult.

Have a question for Don? Feel free to message me privately here.

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One thought on “ASK DON: Dealing with the no-load blues

  1. Larry says:

    Great answer!

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