DID YOU SEE: mating habits and medicating the human condition

It’s undeniable that antidepressant medications have improved many people’s lives, allowing them to enjoy social functioning and a range of emotional experience that would otherwise be out of reach. I think it’s also indisputable that some people are over-medicated. There’s a multi-billion-dollar pharmaceutical industry that depends upon — we could say exploits — the human tendency to look for a magic pill for everything and doctors who are willing to write a prescription rather than take the time to step back and look at the root cause of physical and mental distress. As the publication date approaches for the fifth edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the field has been engaging in serious debate about proposed changes in how mental health is categorized and treated. The DSM was created in the interest of establishing industry standards for diagnosing and treating patients, and insurance companies rely heavily on DSM terminology when deciding coverage of claims for treatment. The number of ailments classified as disorders requiring pharmaceutical treatment continues to increase. Although I’m willing to believe that the people making these decisions have good intentions, I’m often distrustful of what seems like a misguided if not sinister impulse to pathologize the human condition — that is, to treat ordinary human emotions such as grief, melancholy, fear, and defiance as if they were illnesses to be eradicated at all costs.

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Christopher Lane (above) is one of the major critics of modern psychiatric theory and practice. I recently got around to reading an extensive interview with him that appeared last year in The Sun, one of my favorite literary magazines. Doing research about how the editors of the DSM arrive at their conclusions, Arnie Cooper writes in his introduction to the interview, “Lane was troubled by what he found: evidence of drug-company influence, especially in the promotion of ‘panic disorder’ by Pharmacia & Upjohn, maker of the anti-anxiety drug Xanax. He also uncovered extensive evidence of questionable research (sometimes involving just one patient), sloppy thinking, dismissal of nonmedical approaches to psychiatric problems, and a degree of inventiveness with terms and symptoms that struck him as playing fast and loose with the facts.

“All of this served as the basis for Lane’s 2007 book, Shyness: How Normal Behavior Became a Sickness, in which he observes that behaviors once understood as reactions to one’s environment and upbringing are increasingly seen as innate conditions of brain chemistry, resulting from problematic levels of neurotransmitters, especially serotonin. He suggests that because of the open-ended language in the DSM and the wide range of behaviors it pathologizes, anyone who is shy, as he was as a teenager, now risks being diagnosed as mentally ill. The new disorders were ‘obviously music to the ears of drug companies,’ he says, ‘insofar as they massively increased the market for their products, which the media greeted with incredible enthusiasm.’ ”

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The interview is well worth seeking out and reading, considering, critiquing, and discussing. A lengthy excerpt is available online here. As a sex therapist, I took particular interest in this passage (not available online) about the dubious prospects of applying medical criteria to standardize human sexual behavior:

Cooper: Let’s talk about some disorders that have been proposed for the DSM-5. After golfer Tiger Woods’s adultery scandal, we began to hear about “hypersexual disorder.” It’s being considered for inclusion.

Lane: A number of articles have been written that tried to attribute promiscuity or adultery in men to a brain disorder. I find this questionable for a number of reasons.

First, it’s worrying to me that a group of psychiatrists is trying to determine how much sexual activity and how many encounters we can want or fantasize about before we’re considered “mentally ill.” Given the embarrassing history of the DSM revisions and all the shoddy science informing them, why should we trust the APA to dictate yet another norm to us, much less accept its judgment about something so personal and intimate? People have markedly different appetites for sexual experiences. I’m uncomfortable with the idea that the APA would determine implicit guidelines, even quotas, for sexual activity, with a view to pathologizing behavior that is, in its estimation, “excessive.”

Even if you were in favor of creating such a disorder should the parameters for young adults be the same as for retirees with, most likely, much lower sex drives? Would the standard for “excessive” sexual activity be identical for a newly formed relationship and one that’s lasted decades? Why should we see a man’s cheating on his wife with multiple women as a result of brain chemistry rather than, say, marital unhappiness or personal recklessness? Personally I think expecting lifelong fidelity to one partner may be asking too much of certain people who are ill-suited to it, or who simply don’t believe monogamy is the best way to achieve emotional and sexual happiness. That’s surely up to them, isn’t it? Yet there’s an expectation, even a kind of demand, in our culture that one person will meet all of our needs – emotional and sexual. That can happen, and it’s great when it satisfies both parties, but those choices don’t work for everyone, and an organization seeking to pathologize “excessive” sexual activity needs to recognize that. We need broader public discussion of this complex issue rather than the kind of psychiatric judgment and ritualized shaming that goes on right now for those who prefer to remain non-monogamous. Good for them if that’s what they want.

What do you think?

DID YOU SEE: gay men and body dysmorphia

Denver-based psychotherapist Larry Cappel published a piece online last weekend that caught my attention: “Why Gay Men Hate Their Bodies.” He makes some good points. I found myself agreeing sometimes, violently disagreeing at times, and contemplating my own personal experience with body dysmorphia in myself and others.

I tend to bristle at blanket statements about “gay men this” and “gay men that” — such as “Gay men…frequently have a hard time finding someone to fall in love with who isn’t also wrapped up in the same impossible quest for a Hollywood body.” It’s too easy to contest that kind of vast overgeneralization. Cappel’s argument is stronger when he pinpoints his observations: “Gay men who are obsessed with their own body image tend to only date others who are also just as obsessed with how they look, making it hard to break the cycle. It’s pretty rare to see a gym-toned gay man with a gay man who is just average in appearance.” My immediate response is — well, it depends on where you’re looking. Slick fashion magazines? Pornography? Church newsletters? The gym I go to (the West Side YMCA) has a lot of gay members, and you can definitely see buff guys working out every day of the week, but you also see plenty of guys every age and shape on the treadmills, taking classes, lifting weights, and hitting the showers.

One of the best things about gay marriage being legalized in several states is that we are seeing public acknowledgement of hundreds of gay couples, many of whom have been together for years and most of whom don’t look like movie stars or fashion models, thereby giving the lie to the horrible myth that says “Stay young and beautiful if you want to be loved.”

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Like Cappel, I have clients who fret that they’re too fat, too thin, too old, not muscley enough, and/or their dicks are too small, they don’t live up to some standard of gay male beauty, therefore they can’t bring themselves to date or have sex. This is almost always perplexing to me, because evidence to the contrary is sitting right in front of me. But it’s never very helpful for a therapist to say, “That’s a dumb thing to think! Stop that right now!” With someone who’s suffering with self-judgment about his looks, I usually try to find out where he got his ideas about what he’s supposed to look like. He had to be carefully taught some standard of appearance — who or what does he see as the authority in this matter?

That investigation is easier said than done. A lot of these messages get implanted so young that you can’t remember where they came from, except a vague sense of “society told me.” There is a stereotype about gay men that we are fixated on appearances — that’s fine when it comes to fashion and design and flowers and food and interior decoration, but it makes us shallow as people. Well, that judgment overlooks the impact of our personal histories. Unless you grew up in an unusually accepting environment, you probably grew up quite fearful that other people would find out that you’re “different.” To survive, you probably paid close attention to other kids to figure out how you were supposed to look or act in order to pass for some version of normal. This hypervigilance carves all kinds of wounds on our souls, not the least of which is internalized homophobia — a conscious or unconscious aversion to looking “gay” (which usually means effeminate) and overvaluing acting “straight” (which often means hypermasculine).

When men I talk to can actually identify where they got their ideas about what they should look like, nine times out of ten the answer is gay porn. Now, gay porn is an extremely delightful form of contemporary entertainment, and I enjoy it as much as anyone else. It’s also an extremely codified realm whose inhabitants bear little relationship to what average gay men look like. Nevertheless, porn implants the notion that every guy has a huge dick and big muscles, every guy can get it up and fuck on command or get fucked at will and shoot a huge load every time. Somewhere in our brains we know intellectually that it’s an edited medium, that the films and pictures leave out all the messy bits, that the models all take enhancement drugs (often injecting them into their penises) in order to perform like porn stars. Yet somehow we can’t help comparing our bodies to their bodies and finding ourselves lacking.

Cappel’s article references Alan Downs’s book The Velvet Rage, which I too think offers a very astute analysis of gay male emotional development and a roadmap to authenticity. Downs outlines three stages of emotional development for gay men. The first has to do with working through toxic shame around being gay. The second has to do with working through shame about imperfection. Shame and anxiety about imperfection is pretty universal — those traits pretty much go with the human condition — but I agree with Downs’ assertion that gay men often go through a particularly intricate dance of striving to be excellent (The Best Little Boy in the World) in order to compensate for the perceived flaw of being gay. In that stage, any flaw can seem threatening to one’s sense of worthiness, and there’s a huge emphasis on getting validation from others. In this state of vulnerability, if you’re not being actively validated, it feels like you’re being actively invalidated, which is excruciating and infuriating and enraging…but rage is unattractive and socially unacceptable so you have to mask it: thus, the Velvet Rage. The third stage of development, in his view, is authenticity, where you have learned to validate your own existence, regardless of other people’s opinion. Again, easier said than done. But it can be done, with hard work and support.